Day who even knows anymore.

Well, I haven't posted here since July, with good reason. Life is fucking chaos, and will probably remain that way until sometime next year.

But the good news is that I remain somewhat steady at 175 kg, and if I can just keep it there until life gets less stressful, I hope I can get back on track and lose another 7-9 kg.

Fingers crossed!

Day 237: weigh-in and sickness.

Well, I accidentally hit my first goal of losing 10 kilos, but I would not recommend the method. I got massively ill, and have spent the last two days sweating and puking and being in agony. But I stepped on the scales this morning, not even entirely naked like always, and the number was 172.0.

So, efficient, but definitely not recommended. Ugh. I also know it won't last, but when you're this sick, you gotta take the bright spots where you can get them.

Day 206: Weigh-in.

Missed it last week, because my life is insane. Today the scales said 175.4. Bah. Not that I've made any effort at all. Can't with this amount of stress, ugh.

Day 192: Weigh-in.

174.9.

So I was wrong, lol.

Day 191: Forgot.

I totally forgot my weigh-in this morning, and considering my chaotic life currently I'm not surprised. I'm gonna try again tomorrow, and I predict that I'll either have lost a little or gained a lot.

We'll have to wait and see.

Day 184: Weigh-In.

Didn't manage a weigh-in last week because I simply forgot 3 days in a row, and decided I might as well wait until the next one.

The scales today showed 174.9, and considering the insane amount of stress I'm under right now, I'm pretty damn proud of that.

Day 170: Going Up.

175.5. Yeah, not surprised. It's just not possible focusing on food things when life is this shitty.

Day 163: Period time again.

So the weigh-in showed 175.2, and no one was surprised. -sigh-

Day 156: Huh.

173.3.

Guess I should take this win and not question it.

Day 155: Expecting Gain.

I will totally have gained weight when I step on the scales tomorrow. My diet this past week has been awful. :/

Day 149: Weigh-In

Back at 174. Bah.

Still too much stress to cope with. Far too much.

Day 142: Weigh-In

173.7. It's down, at least. Still not back to the lowest point, but getting there.

Still so much stress going on, though. So so much.

Day 135: Stress.

I'm still at 174, and it's not water, I'm well aware. But I also simply do not have the energy left over to focus on weight right now. This next week or so will be insane. If I make it through without breaking down, I'll call it a win.

Day 128: Yup.

Period weigh-in: 174. The usual 2 kilos are taunting me. Ugh. I took a pill for the water retention, and it did literally nothing. Guess I'll just have to wait for nature to take its course.

Day 127: Swimming Upstream

And now my period has arrived again. I might be stuck a little bit. If the water retention is as bad as last month, I'm gonna take a pill this time. But I suspect it won't make much of a difference, because I've definitely been slacking off lately, eating my pain a lot. But shit is getting serious in my life these days, and the next three weeks won't be easy.

But if I'm still not back on track after those are over, I'll rewind and start again, counting and measuring my meals again. We'll see.

Day 122: Goose Egg

I'm told goose egg is a term for zero. Which is how much I've lost this week. But I've also not gained anything, so I'm fine with it.

So still 172.9.

Day 119: Pants!

And now this pair of pants are loose on me. Only around the thighs, not the butt and hips, but STILL. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE NOW!

Not sure it'll be the same for ALL my pants, but this is encouraging all the same. :D

Day 118: Size Down.

I took a chance and bought underwear a size smaller than I'm used to. And it fits like a charm. :D Yay!

Day who-even-knows: Weigh-In.

Clocked at 172.9 kg this morning. Exactly one kilo away from my first goal of losing 10 kilos. Or, rather, it will be 10 kilos from the first weight I could actually record, so I probably already have lost the first 10, but one kilo from now and it will be official. :)

And numbering the days remains tricky because I've been counting from the last day, but thanks to the different time zone that I cannot change, I'm probably a little off. Gonna have to start counting off my dayplanner or something instead.

(Edit: turns out it's day 115.)

Day 111: On Schedule.

I made my weigh-in on Thursday after all, and the scales told me 173.4. And considering the two kilos my period forced me to deal with, I'm perfectly happy with this. It's still lower than last pre-period weigh-in, so. On track.

Day 109: Pushing Weigh-In

I might push my weigh-in a day. Because Thursday will be insanely busy, apparently. So Friday it is, I guess. Exercise isn't happening currently, because my anxiety is pretty high, so I'm just scraping by. And I have no idea what the weigh-in will even show me. We'll have to wait and see.

Day 106: As Expected.

I ended up not even taking the pill, which turned out to be a good move, as my body apparently decided to make the effort on its own. So both extra kilos are officially off, plus a little extra, as of this morning.

So now I'm gonna be prepared for next month. I hope. And if not, I'm gonna reread these posts and remind myself that I'm doing okay.

Day 104: Dropping the water.

Only a day after my weigh-in I'm already down half a kilo, and yet, I still feel bloated and achy. I might take a pill to try and combat all the water retention, because I do feel pretty horrible. My legs hurt so badly, and not my lower legs like I'm used to, no, my thighs feel like they're splitting open, ow ow ow.

Yeah, definitely taking a pill...

Day 103: Bloated.

As expected, I'm a full two kilos higher than last week, at 175.5. And I feel horribly bloated, too, my skin feels awful, frankly.

But if the pattern holds I should be back on track in a week or two. It's an annoying pattern, but if that's how my body works, I can just deal.

Day 101: Always fouled by periods.

Period time again, and with it, water retention. And also possibly just general weight gain, because it's starting to look like a pattern that I'll crawl back up a few kilos during my period and then slowly work it back down over the next couple of weeks.

I sneaked on the scales this morning, and it's not looking promising. But it's not Thursday yet, so we'll just have to wait and see what all this water does.

Day 95: Weigh-in

173.5. That's actually perfectly on track. Huh. :)

Day 94: Fails and boobs.

I expect the weigh-in tomorrow to be disappointing, because I've gone completely overboard on snacking this past week. The stress of my life currently is kinda getting to me.

But I've also been swimming more, and I've gone down a cup size in my bras. No change elsewhere, so for now I'm just gonna have to deal with the annoyance of too big cups.

We'll have to wait and see about tomorrow. -sigh-

Day 90: Swim and snack.

I went swimming and did 300 meters AKA 6 lanes. But the pool smelled horrible and my towel got soaked and strangers talked to me a lot, and...

I fell in, hard, snack wise. I'm hoping these two events will somewhat even each other out. -sigh-

Day 89: Doubts.

Ugh, for some reason I'm having a really hard time appreciating how far I've come already. Despite being perfectly acceptably back on track, I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough. I can't even say how I should be doing better, but... it just feels like I'm not winning this.

I'm 8 kilos down in roughly 90 days. That's a kilo every 10 days. Thats fine. That's exactly as it should be.

And yet... fucking stupid brain.

Day 88: Weigh-In

174.1. Aw yisss, I'm back on track. :D

The exercise probably helps some, because I have actually been snacking a little bit too much. But as long as the weight is still drizzling downwards, that's okay, for now.

Day 85: 10 Lanes!

I've been swimming a little more recently, and today I finally made it back to 10 lanes. Usually my average is 6 lanes (300 meters) and my maximum is 20 lanes (1000 meters). 10 lanes is enough to feel the burn a little, and I wish I could make it my average, but, alas, I'm usually tired by 6. I haven't been able to make it to 10 for like six months, to some regret.

So anyway, 10 lanes is cause for celebration, and I'm super proud of it. :)

Day 82: Weigh-In.

Phew, stress. Scales said 175.4 yesterday, so pretty much a standstill, but that's okay. I've been swimming a few times, and I've been more active, so my hope is that some of it is muscle build. This theory is backed up by the fact that my tightest and most uncomfortable underwear fits better now, so size is being reduced, if not weight. So it's still looking good.

I have been snacking quite a lot, though, but considering how intense life is being right now, I can't expect to have much mental energy left over to focus on food. I'll just have to hope my general changes in habits will make up for it, and at least keep me from gaining weight until I can get back on track properly.

Day 80: -Bites Nails-

Not looking forward to tomorrow's weigh-in. It's been a messy week of quite some snacking, but also some exercising, so I have no idea what the scales will show me tomorrow. However, I was at the doctor's today, and his scales showed me 175.3, and considering they showed 177 last time, that's a good sign.

But still. Nervous. I'll just have to wait and see.

Day 74: Weigh-In

175.3. So one week later I'm heading back to where I was before, and this despite how much stress these past few days have caused me.

I'm still struggling to add exercise, but I'm also not beating myself up about it. Things are still progressing nicely, no need to demand more of myself than I can handle.

My skin still feels so weird and loose, and my face is looking a little saggy these days, though that could just be poor sleep and stress.

Plowing on. :)

UPDATE: Managed to go swimming. Yay!

Day 69: Size Changes.

Despite the weight increase, there has finally been some notable size milestones.

On Thursday I went to the cinema, and on the way there I noticed that my purse suddenly hung a few inches lower, resting against my ass rather than my hip, probably due to the lessening of bulk under the shoulder strap. And today I managed, for the first time ever, to buckle the rear seatbelt of my mother's car around me. It wasn't pleasant in any way, but it was possible! Up until now only the front belts could go around me.

So yay! :D

Day 68: Shark Week.

Okay, so my period arrived with a vengeance, so it's possible part of the sudden weight gain is water retention. We'll have to wait and see next week.

Meanwhile, it's been years since my cramps were this bad. Ouch.

Day 67: Weigh-In. Ouch.

176.9. Bummer.

Gotta work harder at it next week, I guess.

Day 66: Saggy.

My clothes still feel the same as always, but my skin feels saggier every day. So I'm allowing myself to feel hopeful about my weigh-in tomorrow. My breasts are definitely hanging lower than they used to, the skin on my upper arms hangs like curtains now, rather than being bulgy. And my stomach pancakes out across my thighs when I sit down. It's not very nice, I'll admit, but it's a good sign, and I'm not about to let it discourage me.

Day 62: Ate Too Much

What it says on the tin. Been eating my feelings for the past two days, and I hope it won't be too long before I find my footing again, because this actually hurts my stomach now. :(

Day 60: Weigh-In.

174.8.

I am now officially weighing less than I've done in maybe two years. Woo!

Also, a kilo off a week? That's actually good progress. Go me. :)

EDIT: Holy fuck, I've suddenly noticed that my shoulders have gone significantly bonier! Wow...

Day 58: My Count May Be Off?

I might not have the day count exactly right, because the timezone this blog is set to is quite behind my own. Maybe I can change the settings or something...

Went to the doctor today and got weighed. His scale said 177.6, but that's okay, since it was both a different scale than my own, and because I was weighed fully clothed after breakfast. Usually I weigh myself naked or in underwear, before my first meal of the day, to get as clean of a weight as I can.

In any case, I wanted a record of my weight for the medical system, in case I end up forced to have the gastric bypass. So far it's going well, and my doctor okayed my approach, and cautioned me not to lose my determination when the weight would inevitably go upwards again, because these things fluctuate. And I was prepared for that, but it was nice to hear it from him too.

Stress is still kicking me off the wagon a few times a week, which is not optimal, but I'm still trying my best. It's all I can do.

Day 58: Weigh-In

175.9.

HOW?!

I mean, not that I'm complaining...

Okay, looking at it reasonably, I guess I still stayed far below my old level of food intake, even though I went over my new levels quite a lot for two days out of seven.

Day 57: Not Looking Forward To Weigh-In...

Ugh, this week has been a mess. Tried my best diet-wise today, but didn't make it out for any exercise.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see about tomorrow. :(

Day 55: Fell Off The Wagon... Again.

Thanks to a very emotional day, I fell grossly off the wagon, ate a huge sugary snack in my anxiety last night, and over-ate painfully today. Literally painfully. My stomach hurt. But the emotional pain won this round, and I'm not feeling great about it on any level.

We'll just have to see if I find the energy to go swimming to try and make up for it. Sigh. Back on the horse.

Day 54: Psoriasis.

Psoriasis is definitely better. Nothing at all on my knees anymore, and significantly less in the other usual places. :D

Aw yissssss, that's fucking progress!

Day 53: Pasta

Today I finally decided that I've gotten used to whole grain pasta, and took the step of filling up my pasta container with it. I had lots of the regular stuff, though, but I'll probably save that for some macaroni art or something with my baby. <3

Other than that, I'm feeling very hungry these days. Might be mental stress. Trying to at least keep my food choices healthier. Trying.

Day 51: A Closer Look.

Thinking back on the past week more thoroughly, I realize I've slipped up a few times more than I thought. Had far more sugar than I intended, for one thing, and I've definitely upped my portions more than I planned.

More vigilance might be needed. Gonna see if I can tighten up the details again. Need to make sure the new habits are actually sticking before I get too comfortable.

Day 50. Weigh-In and Wow, Has It Been A Week?

Scales today read 177.4 kg. Which isn't great, but still lower than last time. So I'm happy.

I can understand from other weight loss blogs that these things fluctuate, no matter your best efforts.

Exercise is still hard to come by, but the pool has longer opening hours today, so there's a chance I can work up the nerve to go swim. Fingers crossed!

Day 43: Weigh-in and Slacking Off.

Happy New Year!

Stepped on the scales yesterday morning and found 177.6 KGs. Which I most certainly did not expect, considering it's been Christmas AND I had a snacking incident AND the fact that my period arrived that same morning, bringing bloating and water retention with it.

So yeah. I must be doing something right. I am definitely proud of myself. :)

I'm also not posting as much anymore, and I'm seeing this as a good thing, not feeling like I need to report everything, and keep myself on such a tight leash.

And I'm definitely slacking off, but in a way that I think is natural, and pretty much what I hoped would happen. It took over a month, but many of the things I struggled with at first are now habits, and I no longer keep track of the self-imposed six meals a day, or measure my food so much. All I really do now is remind myself to keep portions small, eat of smaller plates, and most importantly LISTEN TO MY BODY.

Don't get me wrong, I still need to check myself a lot, and I feel regret when my bad brain days win and I turn to food solutions. But this is a great start, and with a good basis to work on, hopefully I'll be able to add more, especially exercise, which is definitely my next step.