Day 40: The First Snack Purchase.

Fell thoroughly off the wagon today, despite ages of wavering. It's definitely a mental thing, though, nothing remotely physical about it, several days of low-key stress concluding with the inevitable sadness of saying goodbye to my son again yesterday. The slip was bound to happen at some point, and I'm not surprised it's now.

My stomach hurts, though, quite badly, after a bag and a half of potato chips, and while my mood did improve slightly from the comfort eating, the physical discomfort is quite a lot more disturbing than I remember it being before.

So that's good news. And lasting 40 days before buying snacks at all? I am still patting myself on the back. And apologizing to my stomach for putting it through this. :(

I'll try and see if I can't go swimming tomorrow to try and make up for it a little.

Day 38: Fuck Sugar.

I had sugary junk at a social thing today, and now, several hours later, I'm still drowning in my urge to eat, and craving all of my favorite snacks. Ugh.

Fuck sugar.

Day 37: Wibbly-Wobbly.

Went swimming with kiddo today, and while my lard is usually quite flabby and jiggly under water, today it was downright ridiculous. It felt like a badly fitted body-suit as soon as I was in the water. It was actually a little creepy. I sure do hope this is a good sign.

It probably is, because I didn't feel nearly as physically wrecked afterwards as I usually do. So I'm taking it as a win.

Day 36: Elitist.

Having my son (6 year old energy-bomb) around means that inevitably there'll be more exercise and less time to eat. So today is a good day for the diet. Yesterday was Christmas, so I didn't so much slip off the wagon as jump right the fuck off the back end.

But still, even though I felt I went completely and totally off, setting myself no real limits, I was still full on less than a third of what I ate last year, and felt almost zero urge to eat any of the candy and other stuff on display.

Only thing that was kinda bothering me was that I felt vaguely elitist about what I ate. Apparently, knowing that I only have a limited amount to intake, I only want the things I like BEST. Everything else is blah, even though I usually kinda like it.

Day 35: Weigh-in.

Weird day today. Despite having been really struggling with the diet for the past week, at least, I stepped on the scales this morning (because it's Thursday) and despite it being after breakfast, the scales showed me a surprising 178.1 kg. Maybe my theory of my weight moving in jumps isn't so far off.

Also, Merry Christmas. :)

Day 34.

So many stomach noises today, omg. But it's probably to be expected at least somewhat considering the holidays, where, inevitably, certain seasonal things will mess up my new habits. But I'm still doing my best. We'll see how that goes over the next few days.

UPDATE:

Eating sugar apparently not only makes me more hungry, but also somehow removes the natural limit on my intake that I've worked so hard to find again. Duly noted for the future.

Day 33.

Getting slowly better, I hope.

Busy busy day. Trying to be good to myself. Trying real hard.

Day 32.

Very rocky these days. Trying. Failing a lot, but still trying. That's the best I can do.

Day 31.

Fuck. My mental state is kinda in the toilet right now, and using up all my energy on just doing the most basic things means that there's not much left over to concentrate on my eating habits or forcibly ignoring cravings.

But to stay focused on the positive side, I have still only once bought a snack item, and that was for sharing with my son. I have not bought junk for myself, even once, since starting this. And I'm also still listening to my stomach, so I've almost completely eliminated my tendency to over-eat. And that's a good start!

For comparison I can reveal that before this I'd gone into a horrible cycle of comfort-eating and over-eating, where most of my meals were either chocolate, potato chips or greasy breaded things. And I kept eating until I physically could not cram anything more into my gut. I ate out of boredom, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was lonely, or anytime the tiniest tickle of hunger struck. It sounds ugly, because it was, and I hope I can avoid ending up there again, ever.

So. More positive things:

I hardly ever fart anymore, as compared to all the damn time.
My bowels are happier in general.
The oedemas are still happening, but to a lesser degree.
My psoriasis seems to be less severe, but it still fluctuates, so it's hard to say.
My eating habits are now diabetes friendly, so hopefully I can avoid or at least postpone that.

Bottom line: I'm doing okay. And once my brain is a little better, I can work harder at it again.

Day 30.

Sugar craving is absurdly intense, ugh. :(

UPDATE:

Dammit. I slipped. :(

Day 29.

Thursday. Time to weigh in.

Still 182+. Still getting error message.

Oh well. Slogging onwards.

Day 28.

After a few days of massive emotional issues, I think I'm finally ready to get back on the horse.

I think I'm gonna have to face that I can't keep my portions as small as I'd hoped. Not all of them, anyway. My levels of hunger seem to fluctuate a lot, and trying to stick to a specific volume is adding more trouble than the simplicity I was hoping for.

Some changes are happening, though. My stomach has become a lot more flabby, meaning that when I lie on my side, it kinda pancakes down, which it didn't do before. I'm not going on the scale until tomorrow, so I don't know if the numbers will back me up on this.

But as for the scales, there is an option I have not considered yet. All time weight I've gained over the years has always come in bursts. My weight would stay the same for sometimes years on end, and then over the span of a week to a month, I would gain 10 kilos. It's possible that losing weight would function the same. It would suck, but it's possible.

I doubt it'll be the case, because my diet changes have been quite a lot more drastic than they ever were when I was gaining, so I'm assuming it would be a shorter time before the weight would drop. I don't know, it's just a theory.

Also, confession time: the past few days I pigged out. It's okay. I expected this to happen at some point, and I'm glad it only did once my emotional levels reached an absolute low. This bodes well for the future and my general level of willpower.

And apart from my belly, I feel like I look different when I look in the mirror, but not in any way I can put my finger on. Oh well. It might be wishful thinking, it might not. I took a full body picture before I started, and in a few more months I can take another one and compare.

UPDATE:

Stuck to it all day, and went out on the bike as well. I count today as a success.

Day 27.

No. Just no.

Day 26.

Sticking to it.

UPDATE:

No I'm not.

Day 25.

Huge headache all day, so I haven't been able to keep track all that well of how much I've eaten, but it's probably not that much more than usual. Although I will be having a slightl larger evening meal, because the headache has finally lifted, only to give way to screaming hunger, and I'm just too drained to fight it right now.

-sigh-

Day 24.

I keep having tiny slip ups, but all things considered they're still minor. Things like one extra meal a day when I'm completely exhausted or extremely hungry, or a slightly bigger portion occasionally. I have still only had one junk/snack related slip up during the entire 24 day period. And only two other times have I even eaten sugary things at all, and that was in a social gathering, and I did not overdo it at all.

So even though I'm struggling, I'm determined not to forget how far I've come already.

Exercise was also had today, about 3 kms on bikes with the kiddo, outside in the sunshine. :) Oedemas came back yesterday (possibly related to my very salty dinner on Thursday) and I took a pill for it. And omfg, the first time I took one of those pills pretty much nothing happened, and I was underwhelmed. But that was before the diet change, and now? Now I felt like water ran right through me like a sieve! It definitely also helped the pressure on my skin, ahhh.

This gives me a little bit of hope that when I get on the scale again on Thursday I'll be able to weigh myself again.

Day 23.

My son is coming home for the weekend, so it'll be interesting to see if I can stick to the diet while he's here.

Only time will tell.

UPDATE:

Stuck to it so far, but I'm worn out. Exercise was had, though, about 2 kms of walking, because kiddo's gotta have fresh air.

I'm gonna go easy on myself for my last meal of the day, because oh lord, I'm bushed.

Day 22.

I was horribly depressed and upset yesterday, but I still pretty much stuck to the plan. Didn't eat more junk, just probably a little bigger portions.

Hopefully today will be the day I get back into it completely.

I started the day by going on the scales, and I got the same error message, so I'm running out of excuses on that one. But I also probably can't expect much to happen without exercise, so. Gonna have to work on that.

I might just let Thursday mornings be the time to do the weighing. So.

Today's weight:

182+ kg.

UPDATE: Overdid it slightly on the portions again. Dinner keeps being a problem. I need to learn how to cook less food.

Day 21.

Thought I'd get back on the horse today since I'm feeling a lot better, but I guess i'm not ready yet, because I'm absurdly tired today. So I'll start up again slowly, try my best, but not push it.

The skin on my stomach is definitely more saggy, it's very obvious today. So yay! Something happened!

UPDATE:

Fuck today. Fuck it.

Day 20.

Yeah, doing numbers for the days, now.

Still sick.

Had a sugary snack that would normally have lasted me a few hours but now took me over a day to slowly munch my way through. That's definitely progress.

I'm still absurdly hungry all the time right now, but even so I think I need to remind myself of how far I've already come. My stomach now gives me very clear stop signs when it's full, and it takes less than a third of what I used to consider a single serving to get there. And that's not counting the seconds I always had, too.

So if I can just make it habit to actually listen to what my stomach is saying, I should stand a better chance of keeping the weight down in the future once I get it to a healthier point.

Still haven't decided when I'm gonna go on the scale. No convenient point has revealed itself. Eh. I'll get to it.

UPDATE:

Went on the scales. Have nothing to report, since I got an error message again. So I can't say if it's because I've gained back what little weight I lost, or if my scale is just broken. I mostly suspect I've gotten the weight back, though, because it did show me a brief weight inidication while I supported myself on something for balance. So yeah. Probably gained it all back somehow.

So I guess as soon as I'm done being sick it's back on the horse, and probably cutting the meals down further. As long as I can't manage the exercise, it's gonna have to come from the food. -sigh-

UPDATE #2:

I just remembered another thing I wanted to add. It could be my imagination, but my skin feels looser. Like the volume of my body is the same, but softer? Like the fat isn't pushing at my skin so hard. I read something similar from another weight-loss blogger, so I'm hoping that's also a good sign.

Also, water retention is a thing, and I should also probably not weigh myself in the evening when a) all the food of the day is still in my system and b) water retention is worst.

So yeah. No point in being too fatalistic. I'm doing okay.

Day Nineteen.

I'm sick today. And I can't decide if it's because I'm sick or just because I have less energy to spare to forcibly ignore it, but I'm hungry literally non stop. And I think I'm not gonna police myself today. I'm simply too tired.

Back on the horse as soon as I'm done feeling like hammered crap.

Day Eighteen.

Today has been weird.

I had my usual breakfast and then ended up eating nothing for the rest of the day, at least until dinner time where I ate way more than my alloted meal size. But the good news is that I was unable to finish what I had on my plate, despite there being quite a bit less than what I was used to before, and while I did eat more after coming home and kinda ruined it, I'm glad I at least felt when my stomach was full, and tried to listen to it.

Still no exercise, but I did a lot of house cleaning stuff today, so I kinda hope that counts.

Day Seventeen

The slip last night was actually pretty minor. I had two extra slices of bread. I didn't even go for something sweet, so I'm taking that as a win, that I gave in to hunger, not a craving for junk.

Today has gone by pretty much like the previous days. Once again I overdid it slightly with my evening meals, but I'm starting to think that it's simply my body's rhythm. In the early hours of the day I feel like tiny meals are filling enough, but in the evening I'm not satisfied unless I have slightly bigger meals.

Again, I hope this means I'm more in tune with my body and its needs. I've definitely become more aware of when I put too much into my stomach at once. So that's progress.

Still no exercise, but, again, that's a bigger and more difficult habit to build. We'll see.

Day Sixteen.

Had sugary things today during a social event. And I don't think my stomach likes it after so long without. Some serious cramping going on, and once again it's like the sugar jump starts the hunger all over again.

So possibly this is just a nice thing to know in the future. Eat sugar = get painfully hungry. Also no exercise today, because all my mental energy was spent being social.

Still keeping to my diet at home, but I feel I might slip up tonight. The sudden hunger after the few blissful days without are kinda hitting me hard. Might up the portions slightly for my two last meals of the day.

I should probably also pick a week day to hop on the scales, but, meh.

UPDATE:

As predicted I increased my evening meal, and I was still hungry after. Ugh. I also went on the scales and there was no change what so ever, and I didn't bother to double check.

Today is a horrible day mentally, though, so I'm gonna cut myself some slack.

UPDATE:

I slipped tonight. Back on the horse tomorrow.

Day Fifteen.

Two weeks have officially gone by, and I have not yet had any kind of snacks. I will, eventually, of course, because the goal is to eat "normally", with all the flexibility that entails. But for now I'm just gonna try and see how long I can go without.

Yesterday was weird, though, and my routine got a little screwed. So I ended up only having five of my six meals, and I felt remarkably little hunger. I can't decide yet if this is a good or a bad thing. More time is needed.

I also didn't get my exercise, but that's okay. It's a difficult habit to start, and I won't beat myself up over it.

I did get on my actual bike today to go to the doctor and run errands, so some exercise has been achieved today. Errands included grocery shopping, and yet again I avoided buying junk. -fistpump-

UPDATE:

Slipped a little bit tonight, but it was so minor I'm not even sure I should count it as slipping. My last meal of the day got a little larger and more calorie-heavy than the optimal, and I also had a cup of tea with sugar, which might have jump started my sweet tooth to begin with.

Day Fourteen.

TWO WEEK MARK! :D

Stomach pains have so far today been almost entirely absent. It could be just time, but it could also have something to do with two small changes.

First of all, I am now allowing myself to drink milk (or sugar free chocolate milk) and not count it as a meal. It won't be a huge change, because I don't drink much milk, usually, but I've had one full glass every day for the past three days, and it's helped with the mid-day pangs.

Secondly, I've tried to adjust meals a little more loosely, and times when I've been very hungry I've allowed myself a little more. Hopefully this means I'm more in tune with my body, and isn't a sign that I'm slipping. Only time will tell, I guess.

Craving for potato chips is HUGE today, though. HUGE. Must show restraint.

Day Thirteen

Long story short: still going strong.

Stomach pains have finally been absent a whole glorious day, possibly after my decision to allow myself a slightly bigger evening meal last night, or it could just be my stomach finally getting used to the portion sizes.

Did not get on my exercise bike today, but I got lots of other shit done and was pretty busy overall, so I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

I also think my scale is a little screwy, because I went on it three times and got differences of up to a whole kg in either direction. So I'm gonna leave it be for a while. Maybe it needs batteries? I don't know, and I also don't care that much right now. I should probably only weigh myself once a week anyway. -shrug-

I've also been less dizzy for a few days, so here's hoping it'll go away completely.

Day Twelve

I wonder how long I can be bothered to write out the number of the day in actual letters...

Anyway! I fear I may be overdoing it. I had not imagined that this would be my problem, but I think maybe I simply make my portions too small? Even though I only go maybe 3 hours between meals, I still managed to get droopy and listless until the next time I eat. And the stomach pains are still going strong, but research told me that it usually passes after the second week, so I'm gonna give it time.

I think I'm also gonna try and make an effort to eat slower, to make sure it's not because I'm shocking my empty stomach every time I eat.

Haven't been on the scale yet, officially, but I hopped on this morning fully clothed rather than naked as usual, and it was almost a full kg higher than normal. So clothes do add quite a bit.

UPDATE:

Snacking urge is insanely strong tonight. Probably an effect of my poor mental state, which I need to handle somehow.

But I haven't given in yet, and I took another 20 mins on my exercise bike today. So everything is still on track.

Day Eleven

Eating is difficult today, weirdly. There is the possibility that I have a slight infection of some kind (sore lips, occasional coughing and general bleurgh), or maybe it's just my period. I dunno.

But I got on my exercise bike today, twice so far, and first time I managed 6.5 mins and the second time I got to 20, both on the second lowest setting. (Because the lowest feels like driving on a bike with no chain on, and it freaks me out.)

So yay for exercise, but I'm probably not gonna eat all my 6 meals today, and I refuse to force it.

I also haven't been on the scale, and if I did I doubt it'd show me anything, because my legs have quite a lot of water retention, still. Gonna have to wait for the end of my period for that to go away, probably.

UPDATE:

I did end up getting all my meals. I also ended up going on the scale anyway, just for the heck of it, and it showed 180.7. So that's something.

Day Ten

Yesterday was a challenge. Skype-called with friends who were eating or talking about food a lot of the time. They offered to stop talking about it, but I told them that I needed to learn how to handle it anyway, so.

And I did fine.

Woke up this morning to my period, and the one good news about this is that right now I can't tell the stomach pains from the cramps.

The urge for sweet things is pretty awful, though, and I fear I might be going slightly anemic. If I keep getting dizzy even after my period is over, I'll have to look into iron supplements.

Haven't been on the scales today, yet, but the period is definitely making me feel bloated and uncomfortable, so I'm prepared for the number being higher if I have water retention.

Also starting to wonder if I should put my weight in the title. Even though I'm not really going for weight loss as such, it's at least an easier way of keeping track of the progress. Things to ponder.

UPDATE: Might have fallen in slightly with one meal. But it was only a little bit too big, so I can forgive myself.

The scales again refused to weigh me, so I assume I have about a kilo of water retention, which isn't uncommon during periods, but still annoying.

Speaking of which, I've also pretty much stopped having water retention in my legs in the evenings. I'd assumed the water came from the stress of carrying my weight all day, but since I actually weigh more now than I did when it started happening, and it's as good as gone now, I suppose it must have been from my sugar and salt intake. Which was huge.

So even though the scales aren't cooperating, there's still progress.

Day Nine.

So many noises from my stomach today. So much gurgling and squealing. It's freaking me out a little bit. The stomach pains are also still there, spiking every so often. And I'm insanely tired, but that could just be from yesterday.

I also still have that "full" feeling in my throat. I'm hoping this is all just temporary.

Scale read 181.3 kg today.

And also

Brief TMI warning

I've pretty much stopped farting. From one day to the other. I knew that my old diet was generally fart inducing, but I hadn't expected the change to be so abrupt.

My bowel movements are also suddenly firmer, and regular like clockwork, so at least that part is working.

UPDATE:

The stomach pains are getting tiring. Not getting worse, just constant and draining. I do hope they pass soon.

Day Eight.

First week of dieting done! :D Wooo!

Second week dawns with quite a lot of stomach pain. I can't decide if it's something I should be concerned about. Since it's still low grade (Maybe a 4 on a 10 scale at its worst) I don't think it's anything really bad.

The hunger is also quite severe, but so far it's managable.

I definitely also need to start exercising. I'm feeling really weak in my limbs, so yeah. Next step.

But probably not until tomorrow, since today is busy with other things.

UPDATE:

First time eating out. It was the usual deep fried chicken and fries, and because it had been a rather long gap since my morning meals, I made the decision to eat two of my allotted six daily meals in one go. That was a bad move. Evidently my body has already made some adjustment to the smaller portions, and while my stomach was happy to keep going, my throat closed up, and I feel uncomfortably full in the throat, still. Sort of like acid reflux, but without the bile.

I didn't even eat half of what I used to eat before, maybe a little over a third, and I still feel overwhelmed. This is a good thing, although right now I'm pretty uncomfortable.

Scale this morning said 181.6.

Day Seven.

Very dizzy today. Could still be a hydrating problem. Remembering to drink is difficult, ugh.

Also some quite severe stomach pains, but that could also be unrelated to the diet, as I was very stressed today.

However, I did manage my second grocery trip without buying junk. I actually even forgot to look, because I was so stressed and eager to get home. Anxiety IS good for something, then, whaddya know.

Also, I think I need to look around for a mini oven or a microwave or something, because heating up tiny meals in my huge oven feels super wasteful, and I could probably also save on electricity.

Still not feeling up for more exercise than the swimming, but I have placed my exercise bike literally right next to me, so if the urge strikes, all I have to do is hop on. Biking to the doctor today was really awful, so I need to build my muscle back up somehow.

But only one more meal to go today, and I will have survived my first week on a diet! Wooo!

OH! And also, I HAVE actually lost weight, because today my scales could finally weigh me again. 181.8 kg/400.8lbs. Nice and neat number in lbs to count down from.

ONWARDS!

Day Six

There's a possibility the diet is having an effect on my psoriasis. Possibly because I went from eating a lot of sugar to almost nothing. In any case, it's looking and feeling a lot better than usual. I do hope that lasts.

UPDATE:

Really horrible day, emotionally, unrelated to the diet, and I only had one very minor slip-up earlier. Hoping my last two meals of the day will be better.

I'm also starting to ease into the idea of more exercise. We'll see how that goes.

UPDATE #2: Dinner went well. Portioned perfectly. Getting more of the popping pains in various places. Mostly my legs and my chest. It's probably nothing.

Day Five

I did say I'd already started, so here's a quick overview of the last few days.

Day 1: Hunger quite sharp, but managable. One bout of dizziness. Might need to watch my water.

Day 2: Misjudged the density of my evening meals. Left me feeling quite bloated, and a little upset with myself.

Day 3: Went swimming. Had some strange popping and stabbing sensations inside my body, all kinds of places, from the lung area on my back to the front of my chest to low in my stomach. Might be a muscle thing or maybe a response to getting into the heated pool after my laps. It was just strange and uncomfortable. But it passed soon enough. And I also managed my first trip grocery shopping alone without buying junk. Victory!

Day 4: First really bad day. Hunger has eased off somewhat already, except for right after meals when my stomach is still expecting more to come, but in return I got the mental pressure. At every meal it feels like a physical effort to steer away from my old ideas of how much food I should eat, and the urge to eat junk was very strong. But I made it through.

Now on day 5, and I'm still going. I find myself deliberately steering towards denser foods, though, probably a mental reaction to the near constant hunger. My favorite breakfast food is very much not my favorite anymore, because it will leave me feeling incredibly hungry. Now I want meat all the time. Even for breakfast. Which is a little odd for me. I do love meat, but I've been used to something sweet in the mornings, so that's a change I didn't expect.

It could of course also be my body asking for proteins, but I can't tell for sure.

UPDATE:

I overdid it on dinner again. Mostly because I lost the battle of the conflicting emotions of habit. I misjudged portion size at first, ending up with more than I'm supposed to, but I ate it all anyway because I'm weak. I could also probably have split it up so there was another portion left over, but I failed on that, too. Oh well. Back on the horse tomorrow.

First Post: Quick Summary

Here we go, weight is gonna be lost, and quality of life improved. At least that's the hope.

I have several other blogs around the web, and to avoid swamping them with diet-related posts, I've made this one to keep track of all the health-stuff.

Quick summary for what's going on.

My weight is now at almost 400 LBS, and life has become really uncomfortable. So something has to be done, and I've started looking into a gastric bypass. But even if that ends up becoming a reality, first order of business is to lose weight, and so here's my first major attempt at shaving off the pounds.

Seeing as I have various mental issues that I need to adjust around, I'm not going on a "diet" as such. No powders or exercise regimes or cleanses. I'll only do intake control, and I won't even be counting calories. I will try my best to stick to the healthier options of my usual diet, but other than that I won't be changing WHAT I eat, only how, and how much.

My yard stick is what my stomach would be able to hold after a gastric bypass. Not immediately after, because that's only going to be temporary, no matter how rigidly you stick to the roughly 2 ounces you can put in it to start with. It WILL expand, and since there's no telling its exact future size, I've chosen something easy to relate to. My hands.

Depending on the density of the food my meals should be no bigger than what can fit in the palm of my hand for denser foods (that won't change much from chewing) and no bigger than my clenched fist for airier foods. And I'll be eating six times a day, because that's gonna become my life either way if the surgery happens.

It should also hopefully mean less of a shock to my system, and easier hunger management.

Sadly, I have no idea what my start weight is, since my scales juuuust topped out at my last weight gain. But I'm hoping a week or two will bring me back to where it can measure, and if not, I'll be weighed at my doctor's office on Wednesday.

But with or without a number, I thought I might as well get started, so I'm four days in already, and I've already faced some challenges, so. Onwards!